If you feel unsafe right now, please get help right away. If you are in the United States, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741 to connect with the Crisis Text Line. If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services (911 in the US) or go to your nearest emergency department. This post is coaching, not therapy, and it does not diagnose or treat mental health conditions. If what you are reading brings up thoughts of harming yourself, please talk to a medical or mental health professional promptly — you do not have to carry this alone. Hypersexuality, Secrets, and Shame
I never thought at 50 years old, just hearing the word “sex” would be a trigger for me.
Whether it be memes online, jokes in person, or seeing it played out on TV, my reaction is the same – stomach drops, chest tightens, and the sensations begin “down there.”
It’s been over four years since I last had sex and over three since I was later touched (or kissed) in any sexual way.
I began using sex to cope around the age of 21. I couldn’t tell you how many people I have slept with, but let’s say it involves triple digits.
That number has included sex with men, women, boyfriends, one-night stands, married men, and too many from the swinging lifestyle. It was intertwined with alcohol, drugs, being drugged, molested, raped, being videotaped, threatened, shamed, given ultimatums, playing out other’s fantasies, forced to watch porn, masturbating for them, being hit, handcuffed, tied up, hung from the ceiling and the list goes on and on.
I never realized from the get-go how much the fear of loneliness would play into the impulsivity and shame that led me to give myself away one small piece at a time….until the thought of having another man even touch me now emotionally, physically, and spiritually brings me to my knees.
I have also been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
The funny thing is you’d think as a legal adult that you are making “adult” decisions. Yet when those decisions are steeped in repeated and unhealed trauma, they will most likely stem from that still traumatized inner child and not your adult self.
The Shame of Being Me
Decades of therapy for BPD saw no change until working with an emotional coach (@beatanxiety.me) finally brought to light not only my coping mechanisms and the reasons behind them but the deeply rooted shame I felt by trying for years to fill that void inside in every wrong way possible.
I had branded myself a whore. Sex has never been about intimacy or love, but a means to an end. A place to stay for the night, to bring about feelings of being wanted or accepted: little did I realize back then my impulsivity to say “Screw it” or “I don’t care” led to many drunken nights at the bar and just as many mornings found in the bed (or car) of a complete and total stranger.
When social drinking wasn’t enough, I became an everyday alcoholic. When every day wasn’t enough, binge drinking took over, which led to blackout drinking.
Sex was the same way. A one-night stand here and there escalated to a few times a week. When that wasn’t enough, it was two people in one night. All in an attempt to fill a void I didn’t understand wasn’t getting smaller through these acts but was only growing larger with each.
When sex wasn’t enough, porn entered the picture. That started with “normal” porn and escalated to watching what shames me to even think about, let alone say out loud.
When sex and porn didn’t cut it, masturbation was added. That grew to the point of using gadgets for hours on end to release those feelings I was running from, but I ended up causing myself physical harm, shame, and more hidden secrets instead.
Then along came someone who introduced me to the swinging lifestyle. That started slow but eventually went from having sex with one guy at a party to multiple guys in a night, sex with women, threesomes, orgies, and acts that to this day fill me with shame so profound, at times, it still feels like it will swallow me whole.
That’s because, just like with any addiction, at some point, “it” is not enough anymore, so you find something else that is.
And just like with any addiction, that next drug or act of choice will never be enough, either.
Because the void you are trying to fill keeps getting bigger until one day, you find yourself falling into that vast expanse of emptiness inside.
And that is what it feels like when you hit rock bottom.
The Secrets We Hide
Someone mentioned to me once that being vulnerable around a particular person shouldn’t matter because they knew everything about me anyways.
My response was, “Do they?”
It took me over a year of working with my coach to broach the subject of intrusive thoughts. That’s because I kept them a secret due to shame. They were mired in violence, sex, and sexual violence that made me feel like a disgusting and worthless human being.
Like most things that happened in the swinging lifestyle, my use of porn, masturbation, and even some intrusive thoughts remain to this day.
The thing about secrets, though, is they breed shame. And shame feeds into our already low self-esteem and self-worth that formed due to unhealed trauma.
When we lock those secrets away, they eat us alive from the inside out. We hold on to the unknown and the emotions, feelings, and self-limiting beliefs we’ve attached to them.
This leads us to jump from one coping mechanism to another; to run; to give in to our impulsivity, and look for acceptance and love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.
Secrets are what keep us making the wrong decisions – because we do so based on our still traumatized inner child. Rationality will only evolve by bringing our secrets into the light of day, exposing that shame, and letting go of all those negative beliefs which have been ingrained (most likely) since childhood.
Healing the Void Within
As my coach always says, you won’t take that first step until healing finally outweighs the pain of hurting.
That first natural step took me 45 years to take.
After 4+ years on my healing journey, I’ve opened up about many of those secrets. I’ve shed light on the shame. Yet healing is done in layers and takes hard work but a lot of patience and time.
I still have a few secrets hidden. But I know just as every other one came out in due time, those still locked away will eventually surface.
As for now, that void inside grows smaller with each shame-filled secret shed – as does the impulsiveness, urges to cope unhealthy, and each addiction I rid myself of.
You see on Instagram posts and memes about how you need to forgive yourself for how you coped with surviving. This is incredibly true!
But it was when someone spoke those words out loud and told me there was no shame in how I coped because, at the time, it served a genuine purpose for me to survive.
Hearing it out loud hit me in a whole new light. Instead of being yelled at, scorned, or shamed, he validated my pain – and it was like someone had finally permitted me to forgive myself.
Words can knock someone down and give them the okay to let out those secrets, reveal their shame, forgive themselves and learn how to accept and love who they were, are, and someday will be.
You need to remember BPD is just a diagnosis. It is NOT your identity!! It is a trauma response, and trauma CAN be healed!
So don’t let yourself be defined by that or any other label because who you are has nothing to do with how you choose to survive.
Who you are is, was, and always will be about the truth within your heart, not about the lies that were fed to you through trauma.
What BPD and Hypersexuality Mean — and How They Can Be Treated
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition that affects approximately 1.6% of the general population. People with BPD experience intense and unstable emotions, a distorted sense of self, impulsive and reckless behavior, and tumultuous relationships.
Hypersexuality is a term used to describe excessive or compulsive sexual behavior, which can be a symptom of BPD. Research suggests that individuals with BPD are more likely to engage in risky sexual behaviors and experience sexual problems, such as sexual addiction and dysfunctions.
The link between BPD and hypersexuality is complex and multifaceted. For many individuals with BPD, hypersexuality may be a way to cope with intense emotions and a lack of emotional regulation. The sexual acting out can provide a temporary escape from the distress and pain of BPD symptoms.
However, the consequences of hypersexual behavior can be severe and long-lasting. Individuals with BPD and hypersexuality are at higher risk for sexually transmitted infections, unwanted pregnancies, and relationship problems. They may also experience feelings of shame, guilt, and low self-esteem, which can exacerbate their BPD symptoms and lead to a vicious cycle of impulsive sexual behavior and emotional distress.
Treatment for BPD and hypersexuality involves a holistic approach that addresses both the traumas that cause the problematic sexual behavior. Somatic therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and medication can help individuals with BPD regulate their emotions and manage their impulsive behaviors. In addition, individual or group therapy specifically focused on sexual behavior can be effective in addressing compulsive sexual behavior and reducing risk-taking.
In conclusion, hypersexuality is a common and distressing symptom of BPD that can have significant negative impacts on an individual’s mental and physical health. However, with proper treatment and support, individuals with BPD and hypersexuality can learn to manage their impulsive behaviors and lead fulfilling and healthy lives.
