The Reflection in the Mirror
Have you ever looked in the mirror and wondered who was staring back? It’s not the person you envisioned as a child or the one who tirelessly worked their own way through college. It’s not the father who vowed never to divorce or the wife who envisioned life as a stay at home mom. You then begin the onslaught of “what ifs?”, “hows”, or the infamous “whys?”
If you have, you’re not alone, as many of us struggle with these questions. What we fail to understand, however, is that we’ve been asking the wrong questions all along.
Why?
When we ask ourselves the “what ifs?” and “whys?”, we’re searching for a person, place or thing to shift the disappointment, hurt, anger and/or pain onto. The reason we don’t recognize the reflection in the mirror is that we’ve blinded ourselves to the fact no other person, place or thing can control the way in which we feel. No one else has the power to look within and not only change the questions but also the way in which the answers will eventually play out.
Unhealthy Coping
Most of us tend to think of unhealthy coping or self-harm in the broader sense, such as alcohol, drugs, sex, cutting, etc. However, self-harm encompasses a much wider spectrum than what we think.
According to an article by Juliette Virzi published on themighty.com, some of the behaviors we don’t always recognize as self-harm may include overspending, isolating, eating too much or too little, risky behavior, scratching, avoidance, self-sabotage or over-exercising.
Any form of self-harm is a way to numb out the pain. It’s a way to distract from healing the root causes. In this day and age, many attempts to only manage the symptoms and not heal the underlying causes. The problem is, managing does nothing but prolong. It will only increase the pain. By continuing to cover up what we don’t want to face, we’re robbing ourselves of the freedom and joy in life we all so deserve.
Are You Hiding?
Unhealthy coping is an avoidance tactic. The original trauma, abuse and/or neglect was not our fault. However, many hide behind careers, family and that everyday mask of the fake smile. We attempt to find happiness through our outward accomplishments and seek external validation in order to make ourselves believe we are “okay”. When in fact, that’s just another way to avoid the unresolved emotions/feelings we continue to keep bottled up inside.
Just as a volcano erupts, eventually what lies hidden below will bubble to the surface and boil over not only into our lives but our loved ones as well. Then begins the process of searching for that person, place or thing to place blame for the way in which things have turned out. It’s at that point when we look in the mirror, we don’t recognize the reflection because we’ve buried our true self alive. We’ve built up walls to protect, when those walls are, in fact, keeping us held hostage.
The Only Way Out is Through
As stated by Jackson MacKenzie in his book Whole Again, “Recovery comes from experiencing the pain, rather than trying to pretend we’re fine or happy.”
When we look in the mirror and don’t recognize our self, it’s because of those layers we keep adding to cover up the initial hurt/abuse/neglect/trauma. We literally have forgotten that someone we once knew as our true self is still in there, just waiting to be set free.
There is no walking around, avoiding or diverting that pain, however, if you wish to begin the healing process. You must peel back each layer, feel each feeling and walk through it all. For when we can finally view our reflection in the mirror without those blinders on, we’ll see a person staring back whom we love enough to finally allow that pain in our heart to heal.
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.