Many times we have a tendency to hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations. This ends up leading to a state of disappointment, anxiety, depression, a sense of failure and/or shame.
High expectations are shown to be linked to self limiting beliefs and/or ingrained expectations set in childhood by others, such as parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc.
What’s Behind the Need for Expectations?
This may seem a bit contradictory, but setting high expectations for one’s own self is usually rooted in low self esteem, confidence, negative core beliefs and fear.
Whether it be a fear of change or of failure, this trait is oftentimes learned and embedded into our subconscious in childhood. If a parent/caregiver demands too much from you, those same demands for excellence tend to follow into adulthood where we then transfer them onto ourselves.
People struggling with low self esteem/self worth are also often the ones we view as overachievers and perfectionists.
For these individuals, setting expectations that are not met may lead to beating themselves up and instead of boosting confidence, they continue to wound their already low perception of self.
Unrealistic Expectations and Borderline Personality Disorder
High expectations have also been shown to be associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Those living with BPD tend to hold unrealistic expectations as an adult because they are projecting childhood needs that were left unmet into their present day situations.
In essence, they’re searching for another adult to fulfill what wasn’t by parents/caregivers as a child. Thus, they’re left seeking that same intense, 24/7 unconditional love and support a toddler yearns for in a now adult relationship/friendship.
Yet what they are looking for in someone else is always going to be greater than what is actually available. This in turn triggers them back to those same feelings of betrayal, disappointment and abandonment over and over again.
For the individual struggling with BPD, it’s imperative to learn the skills necessary to reparent their own inner child, instead of turning towards the external to have such needs fulfilled for them.
How to Tell if Your Expectations May Be Set Too High
Expectations are different for everybody. What may be too high for one, could be just right for another.
There is no definitive guide as to what is considered “too high” of an expectation.
- Your short-term goals actually take longer to achieve than your long-term goals.
- You create to-do lists the length of a novel.
- Some of your expectations are not entirely yours.
By gaining an insight of how much pressure you tend to place on yourself, you can then find solutions to filter those high expectations into realistic goals, which will increase your self esteem, instead of sinking you further into a pit of self-defeating despair.
Are Expectations Set Really Our Own?
When setting expectations for ourselves, what we may fail to realize is not all of them are really our own.
As we grow up, there are certain expectations put on us by family, friends and society in general that we unconsciously adopt.
For example, if your goal is to have kids, get married or be making a certain amount of money by a particular age, you might want to consider whether that expectation is truly yours, or was placed on you by the likes of parents, siblings or the influence of today’s culture?
Once the two are separated, you can then obtain a clearer perspective as to how relevant they are to your wellbeing, then begin the process of letting go of those which will only weigh you down as opposed to building you up.
The Art of Acceptance
Setting goals can be a way to hold ourselves accountable. However, when we consistently set them too high, it’s a form of self-sabotage that can keep one stuck in a vicious cycle of anxiety and depression. This is especially true for millennials, who currently have the highest stats of depression and anxiety recorded in history!
So, what can we do to alleviate such self-defeating behavior?
Learn the art of acceptance.
Expectations are rooted in a need for control. The underlying cause(s) should be addressed and worked through, because setting goals is something we don’t have to avoid, but instead gain a better understanding of the motives behind them.
We also need to look at changing our reaction to the outcome(s). By accepting “what is” over what we expect, we’ll learn to not only live in the present, but also the benefits of self compassion through self care, which in turn leads us to self love.
Therefore, by choosing acceptance over expectancy, we are also choosing to love instead of loathe ourselves.
Somatic coach (therapist) in Canton, GA, and Worldwide Life Coach dedicated to inspiring and assisting people worldwide through candid conversations about anxiety. Having personally battled general anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD, I understand the daily challenges those grappling with anxiety face. My journey involved searching for the right therapist, medication, and natural supplements and undergoing various tests. It was only after deciding to reclaim my life that I finally overcame anxiety’s hold. I’m passionate about helping others conquer their struggles and discover their life purpose.