I’ve learned alot since I began my healing journey a few years back. Yet two things really hit me recently that have me looking at things in a different perspective:
- Love is a verb, an action
- The uncomfortable is just a comfort zone not yet discovered
Learning to Love Again
Love is a concept I never truly understood. I equated love with “doing” instead of just “being”… and that included not only with others, but also with myself.
I wouldn’t admit being proud unless I accomplished something. I’d put myself down and even physically self-harm as punishment for mistakes. This has been ongoing since pre-teen years, but to be honest, that’s what I thought was normal.
I’d learned early on emotions were taboo. Hiding them to me was normal. Repression was normal. Pain was only for me to take on, not anybody else. Yet at the same time, the pain was too much to handle all on my own. So, I began dissociating at a young age, then turned to cutting, drinking, smoking, gambling, pot, sex, binge eating, prescription drug abuse and just about every unhealthy coping mechanism imaginable.
As each relationship concluded, more pain was suppressed. As the next job ended, so were pushed down those feelings of failure. Every move was supposed to be a new start. Little did I realize what I was trying to escape was something no amount of time or miles could ever separate me from:
Myself
I thought I was loving myself by “surviving.” It never crossed my mind I was only hurting myself even more.
I finally stopped running at the age of 45. It was then I learned of people pleasing and codependency – all of which I believed to be love. As far as self-love, my definition about that was more warped than I ever thought possible.
Why? Because self-love comes from a place of self-care, and self-care begins at a point of acceptance – something I never once in my life felt I deserved.
Still, I began to implement self-care, but then would self-sabotage. I wondered why it was so dang hard to keep a daily plan in place. I’d come up with every excuse in the book, including blaming it on my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
What I finally allowed myself to see is there was/is no excuse. The only problem was that I was my own blockage and worst enemy.
Over time, I’d become the abuser and toxic one. I took over where the others had left off. I self-harmed, self-sabotaged and even self-degraded, all because I’d taken on others’ opinions as my own beliefs.
I didn’t understand the meaning of love in any sense of the word – until it was shown to me not only through others, but through the unconditional love and grace of God.
To be totally honest – I still crave love more than anything in this world. Yet when it is now freely given, it’s one of the most uncomfortable feelings I’ve ever experienced – including when I extend that same love to myself.
Becoming Uncomfortable with the Uncomfortable
I was recently invited to a party. It was one that up until the last minute I attempted to find a way out of. I was fearful not only of being in a place where I knew virtually nobody, but was petrified of making a mistake or saying the wrong thing and fulfilling the self-limiting belief that I didn’t belong.
To put this into perspective, I’ve almost always panicked at the opportunity to meet new people. However at the age of 17, alcohol became my so-called “savior“. Earlier this year, I made the decision to quit drinking for good. This was the first time out in a group setting without my “side-kick” and it terrified me beyond belief.
It never dawned on me until after the fact the reasons why: because I felt totally transparent and vulnerable without that drink in my hand to “protect” me.
Normally, I would’ve used one of my readily available excuses to bail and confine myself to the comforts of a sherpa blanket, the couch and TV.
Yet this party was different. It was not only for a friend, but a loved one. I struggle with alot of guilt and regret for situations in the past where I chose selfishness, my comfort and wants over those I cared so deeply for.
So, I decided to go to the party.
Was I uncomfortable? Yes!
Did I want to run? Yes!
Was I scared? Yes!
Did I want to drink? YES!!!
But I didn’t. And I finally understood what it truly meant to love another. It wasn’t about DOING something for them, but about just BEING there alongside them, even with all of those fears and insecurities in tow.
Yet it’s a concept that is still unfolding when it comes to the art of acceptance and loving my own self.
Acceptance and Moving Forward
As this healing journey continues, I have a tendency to revert back to what I haven’t yet done, instead of focusing on how far I’ve already come. I compare my pace to others, instead of offering up grace and compassion along the way. I stay locked in a state of fear about crap that hasn’t and most likely will never happen. Yet even if it does, that’s just an opportunity to put into practice self-compassion, self-forgiveness and self-acceptance.
Healing is not a one and done, snap your fingers and you’ll be magically healed overnight type of thing. It involves a ton of self-discovery, self-awareness and implementation of all you have learned. It’s not something to be put into a timetable, but is an ongoing process of change and perspective. We are all individuals, each with our own slated path – and that’s a road which begins with acceptance of who you are and where you are in the here and now.
I was invited to another party this week that terrifies the bejeezus out of me and before this first one, I had already planned not to go.
Thing is, most of what I believe and see about myself has nothing to do at all with how others view me. It’s my own self-limiting beliefs and broken lens which has kept me holed up inside the safety of this comfort zone all these years.
So, I’m choosing to attend this next one for myself. Not only as a way to face those fears once again, but to explore this newly discovered transparency and sobriety, as well as the curiosity of leaning into instead running from the fear. Basically, I want to keep learning what it FEELS like to become comfortable with the uncomfortable and accept myself,
JUST…AS…I…AM.
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.