Borderline Personality Disorder: Best Friend vs. FP (Favorite Person)
One of the things I used to hold an abundance of shame towards is what those in the BPD community refer to as an FP – aka, their Favorite Person.
While a best friend and FP may sound similar, an FP tends to be who the person struggling with BPD relies upon to have their emotional needs met.
An FP becomes their anchor and “go-to” source of security in life.
The problem is, though an FP might be perceived as making the person struggling “happy,” they add to the many obstacles those diagnosed with BPD already face.
Differences Between a Best Friend and FP
Many think an FP is just another name for a “best friend,” but there are clearly defined differences between the two:
- A best friend is someone you choose. An FP is not a choice.
- A best friend is someone whose advice and/or opinion you value. An FP is also that, but it takes up a few notches as you idolize an FP. You constantly seek validation, acceptance, and approval from them. This often leads to feelings of shame because your life can rise and fall depending on their reactions (or lack thereof) towards you.
- A best friend is someone you can be yourself with – mistakes, imperfections, and all. An FP is someone you consistently aim to please. Thus, showing vulnerability, or your authentic self, brings about those insidious fears of abandonment, and perfectionism becomes the norm.
- You know a best friend is always going to be there for you. With an FP, your fear of abandonment is so extreme that even one delayed or unanswered text/phone call can leave you swimming in a sea of fear. Fear you made a mistake, said something wrong, did something wrong; fear that you failed them, hurt them, or took a misstep in some way; fear they will ghost you or inevitably leave you because you are too much, or nowhere near enough.
- A best friend is someone you spontaneously go out and do things with. An FP is the one you rigidly plan your whole day around to seek their attention/approval.
- Having a best friend is natural and easy. Having an FP is difficult, draining, exhausting, and SUCKS! – because all you truly wish for is your FP to be a “normal,” free-flowing relationship like all of your other friends.
How to Cultivate a Healthy Relationship With an FP
An FP relationship CAN become a “normal” relationship with a bit of work from both sides:
- Boundaries need to be set and enforced. The person struggling with BPD will most likely try to push those boundaries at first, as well as may throw a tantrum, spiral into a state of depression, etc. However, boundaries will protect both parties’ needs and encourage the person living with BPD to sit with their feelings and work through the trauma/emotional struggles they so desperately have been avoiding. Boundaries are not set to hurt anyone but are set to ensure a healthy relationship can be formed.
- Open communication is crucial. Both individuals must be honest regarding their wants, needs, frustrations, joys, and struggles. For the healing process to begin, those living with BPD must face their fear of vulnerability and abandonment.
- Validation is key! However, there’s a fine line between validation and enabling. Validation is meant to be used so the person struggling knows they are seen and heard. Enabling is allowing their unhealthy reactions, behaviors, and patterns to continue – which means nothing will ever change.
One of the most critical points we all need to understand is that an FP is NOT a choice – it’s a trauma response.
We didn’t ask to have someone in our life which the sun rises and sets, someone whose opinion, attention, and praise dictates our every move.
Once a line of honest communication is created, an FP can eventually blossom into a beautiful friendship.
Changing the Dynamic
It took years to finally open up to my FP and acknowledge who they were in my life – and it hurt deeply.
Not only because it filled me with shame upon acknowledgment but also because it shamed me into knowing how much I feared losing them.
I consider myself very independent, and this extreme dependence on one individual was almost more than I could bear.
Yet, it was also a turning point because I was no longer hiding behind the shame attached to it. Acknowledgment is the first step in healing – and also the one which will free you from the weight and pull shame holds in your life.
Just remember these few things as you begin to embark upon and nurture a healthy friendship/relationship away from the FP dynamic:
- The one struggling with BPD has first to acknowledge who their FP is.
- An open line of communication is essential.
- Boundaries should be set and enforced.
- Understand it will take some time to work through and break the unhealthy patterns/reactions/behaviors of the person dealing with BPD.
- Kindness, compassion, and forgiveness are necessary from both sides.
And most importantly, the one struggling with BPD needs to know these changes (such as boundaries) their FP is making have nothing to do with them being too much, not enough, or unworthy.
The FP shows how much they love and care about you – because they are willing to commit the time and effort to support and help you heal.
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.