Have you ever been in the middle of a story, only to be interrupted with the phrase, “That’s not how it happened”?
Or told that you got the smallest details wrong, missed a part, or received the infamous response, “Yeah, right.”?
Now consider a person diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) who already struggles with their sense of identity and emotional sensitivity and put them into those situations.
Then add in those responses from a family member, longtime friend, spouse, or significant other on a long-term basis.
No wonder those struggling with BPD might feel like they are going crazy!!
Wouldn’t you, too, if someone you trusted and thought loved you unconditionally constantly made you question your own memories, feelings, or even the majority of your life?
That is a form of gaslighting. And to someone already struggling to heal and reclaim their sense of identity, gaslighting can throw them back into those fires of hell where they begin to (yet again) question who they are and what (if anything) they are worth.
Identity Confusion in BPD
We all struggle at one point or another with what we like or dislike, want out of life, our morals, values, purpose, etc.
But those diagnosed with BPD act out that tug of war with their identity on a different level.
Though this diagnosis can be a compilation of factors (including genetics), most diagnosed with BPD often went through extreme and devastating childhood trauma. This could have been physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, and abuse often overlooked, known as emotional abandonment and/or emotional neglect.
Their trauma usually began in childhood, and their emotional intelligence became stunted at the age the original trauma began.
Think back to when you began grade, middle or high school – weren’t you always looking for that place to “fit in”? During those years, you usually discovered and cultivated what interested you, such as sports, writing, theater, etc.
Those living with BPD more often than not find it extremely difficult to fit into or maintain their status in a particular niche due to their “emotional skin.” Any hint of criticism and/or rejection can leave them freefalling back into a pit of loneliness, isolation, and questioning their skills, intelligence and self-worth.
Now add into the mix having one or several people within their life who outwardly question whatever may come out of their mouth. It could be something that happened at school, or work, a story about their past, or confiding in them about being bullied, abused, assaulted, or even raped.
When you are repeatedly told what you said was incorrect, could not have happened that way or even at all, it begins to shut a person down. Not only do they begin to question their own memories, but this can also set up a scenario of questioning their feelings, capabilities, place in the family, work, or social circle and invalidate their trauma.
The Effects of Gaslighting On Those Diagnosed With BPD
Gaslighting is enough to drive anyone to the edge. Yet if you already struggle with rejection sensitivity, extreme abandonment fears, low self-worth, impulsive nature, and/or a propensity for self-harm, being on the receiving end of any type of gaslighting can lead to some dangerous outcomes, up to and including death.
Because gaslighting is a form of manipulation. Many struggling with BPD are already highly sensitive individuals and lean towards perfectionistic tendencies and people-pleasing (which are manifestations of their trauma and rooted in low self-worth).
When gaslit, these individuals are being invalidated. This invalidation adds to their already insecure self-image and has them questioning their memories and the validity of their experiences. This can lead to greater impulsivity, which is often the state where self-harm is acted out, and suicidal thoughts turn into attempts.
Due to their complete and utter fear of abandonment, those living with Quiet BPD find it difficult to speak up for themselves and internalize the anger/shame it creates from feeling as if they are always in the wrong. While on the opposite spectrum, others will externally express their anger, which only adds fuel to the fire because they are then labeled by the gaslighter as overly emotional and dramatic.
How Can Those With BPD Heal From Gaslighting?
Healing from trauma, diagnosis, etc., will take time.
And it will also take a lot of trial and error, consistency, and HARD, HARD WORK!!
To heal, you need to feel. And to be honest, many struggling with BPD (especially later in life) can become skilled at doing anything and everything to avoid feeling – also known as unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Yes, the coping mechanisms themselves need to cease; however, many try to sidestep them by attempting to discard them through “sheer willpower” alone.
I can guarantee you that “willpower” is another band-aid that will eventually fall off, and that wound will begin to bleed again.
To successfully rid yourself of those unhealthy ways of coping, you must get to the root of the trauma – why you chose to pick up that drink, pill, cigarette, joint, etc., in the first place.
You can’t fake your way through healing!! And for those struggling with BPD, becoming honest with that reflection in the mirror, taking accountability for your actions, and accepting responsibility for your own healing is like walking on the glass when you’re barefoot. As in, it is going to HURT like hell!!
But it’s not at all impossible.
Low self-worth, distorted self-image, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, loneliness, and/or the likes of toxic shame are usually what you will find at the root of BPD.
That is what needs to be dealt with. The only way is through complete self-honesty, vulnerability, facing your fears, feeling those very, very, VERY unwanted feelings, building a community of support, setting and enforcing boundaries, learning the art of forgiveness, acceptance, and finding/leaning into a Higher Power.
One of the biggest things anyone struggling with BPD needs to realize is that no matter how scary, difficult, or time-consuming healing may sound, staying stuck in the same unhealthy ways of coping, spinning around in the same cycles, and continuing to allow the abuse of those gaslighting you (or any other form of abuse) and living without boundaries is only going to leave you in a state of continuing to search for that “something” which will NEVER be enough to fill the gaping void inside or heal your hurting heart.
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.