Grief, much like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), isn’t a linear journey; it’s a dance of emotions, seeking understanding and acceptance in every step.
I recently lost my mother in very unusual circumstances while she was in a foreign country.
In 2 ½ months, my brother and I did everything in our power to try and get her home, to no avail.
Upon passing, I drove back to Michigan to clean her apartment and help with her estate.
After returning home, I have been stumped as to why the grief (or lack thereof) for her has been completely different than when my dad unexpectedly passed 20 years ago.
Then it dawned on me:
- Grief will not look the same for everyone, nor will it necessarily play out in the same fashion for each loved one who passes away in your life.
- Self-awareness and growth when struggling with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can eventually begin to look and feel “normal,” and that’s an uncomfortable zone for us.
- Maybe (just maybe) loss doesn’t have to extend into prolonged anxiety and/or depression – especially when faith becomes bigger than your fear.
The Nuances of Grief
My father passed away on July 1, 2003, and I suffered severe depression.
At the time, I was also an alcoholic addict and wrestled with extreme guilt/regret due to events preceding his death.
Twenty years later, my mom’s death evolved quite differently.
I struggled immensely when we attempted to get her back home, bawling my eyes out and howling in the middle of the highway when I received the dreaded call.
Yet since then, I have been in a state which I’m not accustomed to in the least:
Emotional Regulation
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is often characterized by emotional dysregulation and instability. I became all too familiar with this over the past fifty years.
Yet, through coaching with @beatanxiety.me and working through the healing process, I’ve become quite self-aware and implemented methods and modalities to help deal with the pain of my past.
That being said, I also have a history of becoming addicted to the pain, which occurred this time as I gained new information and began to fixate on the past again.
Old patterns are hard to break, including ones that leave us living IN and not WITH our pain.
When this was brought to my attention, I grew defensive because, as the old saying goes, “The truth hurts.”
After taking some space to digest this, I realized I was slipping back into the comfort zone of pain. I was highly uncomfortable not riding the wave of emotions I’d become accustomed to over the years.
With my mom, I did not automatically slip into a state of deep depression, making me begin to think something was wrong with me.
It took discussions with others about this disconnect to understand grief is not a “one size fits all” type of thing.
Every person will grieve in their own way and in their own time. It doesn’t matter if you cry uncontrollably, get triggered by pictures or memories, or feel sadness within, but continue to do life.
What matters most is knowing what you feel, whether the day of their passing or 20 years later, your feelings are VALID!
There is no timetable for grief.
However, there are five stages you MUST walk through no matter the loss to heal:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
And getting stuck in any one of those (like I did with my dad) can leave you living a life that doesn’t seem like any kind of life at all.
Becoming Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
As stated above, the “disconnection” I described concerned me.
It felt like I was heartless, as the tears did not flow when I saw a picture of my mom; I was triggered by a memory or even the many times she was talked about.
I held discussions with several family members and friends who reminded me, “It’s okay” because not everyone grieves in the same way – including the fact that you may not suffer precisely the same for each loss in your life.
I was also asked, “Did you cry a lot during those months she was still in the hospital before her death?” My answer was, “Yes, a ton.”
It was then pointed out that maybe I had already walked through much of the grieving process before her actual death – and just perhaps that final bout of howling and tears with the notice of her passing was where “acceptance” had begun.
What I think got me so caught up in not acting how I had before was the feelings (or lack of) I’m not used to, in the least!
- Not crying at every memory is uncomfortable.
- Not living IN the past is uncomfortable.
- Not riding an emotional roller coaster every single day is uncomfortable.
- Not feeling pain is uncomfortable.
The uncomfortable zone means we are healing – and healing means we are learning to live alongside the pain instead of steeped right in the middle of it.
The uncomfortable zone can be scary for those who have struggled with unhealed trauma for years or even decades.
Though it sounds weird, we may cling to our pain; it can become an addiction.
Even though the pain we have been living in for so long hurts like nothing, you can begin to describe leaving it behind as akin to swiping the security blanket from a little boy or girl.
Without that security blanket, they are no longer in their comfort zone.
Faith Over Fear
Another clarity that extended to the death of my mom was the realization I now have a few things on my side that I didn’t with my dad:
- God
- Faith
As stated above, I was an alcoholic and addict when my dad died.
But at 45, I was saved, and at 46, I was baptized by my Anxiety Coach and friend (Ryan Light) here in Georgia.
Since then, my faith has grown, and I have a Higher Power to help me through the healing process, including the effects of grief.
Faith has seen me overcome many complex challenges and fears over the past few years, which is why I am currently 850+ days sober.
None of this would have been possible without God’s added grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love.
Learning how to live outside your comfort zone IS possible!
Self-awareness and growth ARE possible, even if you struggle with BPD!
Finding purpose in the pain IS possible!
Moving past your past IS possible!
And healing IS possible when you put in the hard work it takes to heal and find what is your own Higher Power – then begin to lean more into that faith than you do your fears.
Other Resources for Grief and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
- National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
- https://www.nimh.nih.gov/
- Why: It provides comprehensive information on various mental health disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It’s backed by research and offers resources for both individuals and professionals.
- Psych Central
- https://psychcentral.com/
- Why: A long-standing online resource offering mental health information, self-help tools, and quizzes. It has numerous articles on BPD and grief.
- Borderline Personality Disorder Resource Center (BPDRC) at New York-Presbyterian
- https://www.nyp.org/bpdresourcecenter
- Why: It’s a dedicated resource center for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), providing resources, reading lists, and events.
- The Mighty
- https://themighty.com/
- Why: A digital health community allowing individuals to share their experiences and stories about health challenges, including BPD and grief. It offers a more personal perspective.
- Grief.com
- https://grief.com/
- Why: A platform that provides resources, information, and support for grieving individuals. It helps understand the complex emotions associated with loss.
Somatic coach (therapist) in Canton, GA, and Worldwide Life Coach dedicated to inspiring and assisting people worldwide through candid conversations about anxiety. Having personally battled general anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD, I understand the daily challenges those grappling with anxiety face. My journey involved searching for the right therapist, medication, and natural supplements and undergoing various tests. It was only after deciding to reclaim my life that I finally overcame anxiety’s hold. I’m passionate about helping others conquer their struggles and discover their life purpose.