Stop Seeking Approval from Other People

If you could wave a magic wand and make it disappear, this incessant need to seek out approval from other people, you probably would.  If we could just find it in ourselves to trust our own gut and be comfortable within our own skin, wouldn’t that be a prime example of living the best life possible?

The need for validation is something we are all guilty of doing, and sometimes without even realizing it.  The pattern started long before you could even walk or talk.  Parents teach their babies to mimic them and seek their approval by providing positive feedback for a job well done.

They used clapping, kisses and hugs, smiles and laughs; everything a small brain needs to form an attachment to approval-seeking behavior.  Was it wrong?  Of course not!  But it certainly doesn’t have to control thought processes as an adult.

Even long into the school years, a child is rewarded for good behaviors and achievements.  This type of structure laid the groundwork for the desire to fit in, to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and to reach for reassurance that we were on the right track.

The downside is the incapability to trust our own judgment without reinforcement.  It’s easier said than done, but with some self-awareness and behavior modifications, it’s very possible to break the cycle and learn to stop seeking the approval of others.

Your Life, Your Choices, Your Consequences

If you struggle with seeking the opinion of others before making decisions in your life, you could be headed down a long road of insecurities and failed relationships.  These other people aren’t in your shoes.

They aren’t really living your life or dealing with the consequences of your decisions.  So really, they are putting their own spin and personal preferences on the advice rendered.
“If I were you” type of advice is oftentimes flat out wrong, and sometimes can even be dangerous.  You are the only one who can evaluate your situation from all sides and effectively weigh the options.

The problem in cases like this is that we don’t trust our gut enough to stand firm on a decision.  It’s also likely we know what we should do, but don’t really want to do it because it’s hard, we are scared, or will be faced with painful aftermath.

Believe in Your Opinion

You didn’t get this far in life without an opinion and the capability to make decisions.  So, don’t believe the hype that your opinion isn’t worth anything or not worthy of self-validation.

If your first inclination seems a bit off the beaten path, go for it.  No harm, no foul.  Don’t short-change yourself by believing you have to be part of a flock to be worthy.  You are more than capable of dancing to the beat of your own drum if that’s the direction you choose.

If you find yourself hush-mouthed in meetings at work because you are afraid others will think your idea is stupid, you’re going to love this.   First, upper management thrives and builds on new ideas.  And creative thinking starts with a single idea that gets shifted, molded, and formed into a great idea with teamwork.

And second, you aren’t the top priority of your coworkers.  You might think all eyes are on you, ready to pounce at the first sign of vulnerability.  The opposite is probably true and you’re giving them the courage to chime in with their own input.

Unrealized Fear is Counter-Productive

If you are scared of the repercussions of voicing your opinion, it’s time to take a step back and assess why that is.  Fear is often a sign that something isn’t right.  It’s telling you to stay in your comfort zone instead of growing and taking risks.  If you’re not sure how others will react, ask them.  But don’t base your opinion on what someone else says or does – trust your gut feeling.

So, start by identifying the fear that’s keeping you from speaking up and work on overcoming it. There are plenty of resources available to help (books, articles, therapy) and it might take some time but it will be worth it in the end.

If you find yourself always needing someone’s approval in order to feel good about yourself or your ideas, it might be time to start thinking for yourself. Approval-seeking is a sign that you are not in control of your own life and that you are relying on other people to make decisions for you.  Instead, it’s important to take responsibility for your own life and learn how to navigate through difficult situations on your own.

When we’re constantly looking to others for validation, it’s hard to take risks or be ourselves. We become afraid of what people might think of us and our work.  But the truth is, other people are rarely going to tell us the truth we want to hear.  They’ll give us their opinion, but that’s it.

The best way to get feedback is to ask for it directly.  Start by stating your question and then wait for a response.  If they don’t want to answer, that’s okay – you can ask someone else or keep researching on your own.

It’s important to remember that the approval of others doesn’t equal validation.  Validation comes from within and is something that we must seek out for ourselves.  Stop seeking approval from other people to give context.