Prevalence of Self-Hatred and Shame in Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is categorized as an emotional dysregulation disorder. Those living with BPD have difficulty processing their emotions and may express themselves in ways which others might view as being “over the top”. Due to their struggle with black and white thinking, alongside such extreme reactions, this can leave them constantly swimming in a pit of self-hatred and toxic shame.
This self-hatred (continual feelings of inadequacy, guilt, and low self-esteem), combined with the constant ups and downs felt by those living with BPD, can make the healing process a challenge, but definitely not one that is impossible to overcome.
The Inner Critic of Toxic Shame
Toxic shame is a belief that we don’t make mistakes, but in fact, is a mistake. This tends to manifest from a deeply ingrained sense of feeling “wrong” in every possible way and is often rooted in childhood trauma, emotional abuse, abandonment, and/or neglect. Not only does the inner critic present itself when even the slightest misstep is made, but many times for no particular reason at all, leading with such phrases as:
- “I’m worthless!”
- “I can’t do anything right”
- “I HATE myself”
- “Are they going to leave me?”
- “I’m such a loser”
- “Why was I even born?”
According to https://www.verywellmind.com/bpd-and-shame-425474, “Many people with BPD experience pervasive and chronic shame, regardless of their behavior. This has led researchers to believe that shame may distinguish BPD from other mental health disorders.”
And if left untreated, those feelings of self-hatred and shame can lead to recurrent self-harm and become crippling to individuals who struggle with BPD well into their adult lives.
Self-Harm and BPD
As stated in that same article from www.verywellmind.com, “In addition to growing research that shows a connection between BPD and shame, a number of experts have suggested a connection between shame and deliberate self-harm and suicide attempts.”
Deliberate self-harm many times is used as a punishment due to those struggles with self-hatred and shame. This is also a reason why individuals who self-harm will do whatever they can to cover up their actions and the subsequent marks which result.
Revealing this type of behavior can in and of itself become a traumatic experience, especially for someone struggling with BPD. Depending on the other individual’s reaction, it could add to the already intense feelings of self-hatred, shame, fear of abandonment, and lead to even more deliberate self-harm behavior.
It’s a repetitive cycle that needs to be broken in order to begin the process of repairing those still open wounds.
Challenging Your Thoughts
I personally struggle with BPD and have coached with www.beatanxiety.me. One of the biggest things he always stressed was that we need to challenge our negative thoughts.
Those who deal with an inner dialogue that is so incredibly negative, however, tend to fight themselves. Over time, they’ve come to believe the false narratives that have taken up residence inside their head.
Individuals living with BPD are left to not only challenge those thoughts but also try to alleviate the emotional intensity attached and the exhausting frequency in which they occur. This difficult process can lead to just “giving up” and thus begins the inconsistency which can make recovery feel like a constant tug of war.
Yet to be able to move forward, we need to do the hard work and challenge those self-limiting beliefs. And consistency is the key to getting ourselves out of a place of self-hatred/self-harm and into a place of self-care/self-love.
Perception and Self Love
What we don’t often realize is that the perception of our own self is not the way we are perceived by others. Especially those of us still living with unresolved trauma, our own perception is skewed by the words, thoughts, and feelings associated with past abuse.
It’s difficult to accept the positive when all you hear and speak to yourself is negative. So how can you change that?
By working through the process of self-love.
Love is a verb, meaning it’s an action – NOT a feeling.
You get to a point of self-love through the actions of self-care and self-compassion. It’s all about implementing change and this is where the hard, consistent work comes in. Many say they want to heal, yet fear leaving their “comfort zone”, even if that comfort zone is one built out of self-hatred and shame.
Healing is a Process
Not only for those living with BPD but for anyone dealing with trauma, grief, abuse, abandonment, or neglect, healing is a process.
When you finally make the decision that “enough is enough”, there are going to be ups and downs, good days and bad, successes and mistakes, but that’s OK!!
BPD may be a challenging disorder to live with and treat, yet it’s not impossible to overcome. Self-hatred and toxic shame don’t need to become a permanent fixture in one’s life. Because the fact of the matter is, BPD is NOT an identity, it’s NOT who you are!
So by taking that first step out of your comfort zone and acknowledging what it is you struggle with, you’ll also be taking that first step towards self-love and healing your hurting inner child within.
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.