TRIGGER WARNING
Sexual Assault, Suicide and Healing: One Woman’s Perspective
Sexual Assault, Suicide and Healing: I’ve been speaking of rape and suicide on my personal Instagram account as of late. I’ve also been extremely exhausted (mentally, emotionally, and physically), stressed out, overwhelmed, not sleeping, eating right, walking, or taking care of myself as I should. Alongside these behaviors have seen increased thoughts of agitation, restlessness, suicide, and feeling like I’m either going to implode or explode daily….and at times it scares me.
I’ve been discussing with my counselor about the repeated rapes and sexual abuse of my past recently and he stated these reactions are the effects of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) resurfacing. To be honest, I’m sick of talking about the past, yet it continues to plague me all these years later. So many feel it’s the initial aftermath of trauma, such as rape, that is the most crucial, but what they may not realize are the ongoing effects it can continue to have upon a person’s life and wellbeing.
Long Term Effects of Sexual Assault
According to an article by Alia E. Dastagir in USA Today, “Survivors of sexual violence are at an increased risk for developing depression, PTSD, substance use disorders, eating disorders and anxiety disorders. Sexual violence can lead to disrupted sleep, an inability to focus, fear of leaving safe spaces, and a sustained state of hypervigilance. “It’s kind of a perfect storm. If you’re trying to design a traumatic experience that would really stick with a person, it’s hard to think of a worse one than sexual violence,” said Seth J. Gillihan, who runs a clinical practice and researched PTSD with the University of Pennsylvania.”
I was last raped over 6 years ago (for the 4th time) and thought I had dealt with it, yet lately keep having flashbacks of what happened that night. I haven’t been involved in the “swinging lifestyle” now for almost 5 years, still, those images of sexual abuse and the feelings they evoked have again been rearing their ugly head. And it can be a terrifying place to live when added in are suicidal thoughts intruding on your everyday life. It becomes tiring walking yourself through them time and time and time again. You don’t want to feel like a burden by always bringing it up to others, so you then isolate, distract, shut down, and then feelings of loneliness tend to skyrocket.
Suicide and Sexual Assault
According to The National Suicide Prevention Hotline, for every person who dies by suicide, 280 people think seriously about it but don’t act. And most suicides don’t occur because of just one event. Not once of my own 4 attempts did, I want to end my life from whatever it was that had just happened. It was always a culmination of past trauma, rejection, physical pain, feelings of being unwanted, unloved, alone, and of shame. I never wanted to die because of rape. I wanted to end it because of everything that and the other traumas had taken from me and, unfortunately, what they had also given to me:
They took away my ability to trust and sense of safety; they left me with unbearable shame, suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and bed-wetting; they drove me to countless addictions and took away my desire for intimacy; they led me into a constant state of tension, took away my freedom and replaced it with fear; they took away the essence of “me”.
Helping to Heal Through Trauma
The thing is though, we CAN heal from the past if we just give ourselves that chance. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well it also takes a village to help our loved ones heal from any type of trauma. We need to continue to address the ongoing wave of emotions that can take their toll on even the strongest of individuals, not just the time period immediately following the assault, rape, or abuse. And when you add into the mix any number of other present-day stressors is when we need to keep a watchful eye out, and can follow the tips listed below from another article in USA Today:
- If someone seems different, don’t ignore it.
- Don’t be afraid to ask. Then act.
- Pay special attention when someone is going through a difficult time.
- If someone does try and survives, continue to be there for them.
- You don’t need to have all the answers.
Suicide is on the rise currently and we need to remain on the lookout for signs of changed behavior, depression and/or isolation, confront our loved one(s), seek help for them or with them and above all else:
Just listen.
Being believed immediately or years after any type of trauma is crucial but having one’s voice truly heard is imperative.
Because suicide isn’t about wanting to die, it’s about not wanting to live with what has become an overwhelming and excruciating unhealed pain within.
Yet when one has the resources and support needed, they CAN face, work through, and heal what has been hurt most of all:
Their heart.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.