I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) at the age of 38. It was a relief to finally put a name to what I had labeled much of my life as “crazy”.
Yet after hitting up Google to find out more about it, I pretended for a year this diagnosis didn’t exist due to the inherently vast amount of negativity and stigma I found surrounding it.
Phrases such as “manipulative”, “attention-seeking”, “violent” and “psychopath” found me isolating and questioning myself.
Fear roared through my veins like a runaway freight train. I was terrified of revealing this diagnosis to anyone, afraid they would “run for the hills” as many suggested others should do.
I was unknowingly already living with deeply embedded toxic shame and coping in unhealthy ways I had yet to understand.
But it was the paralyzing fear of losing the few people I had left in my life that kept me held hostage longer than it should have.
What I’ve found since then is that awareness plays a HUGE part in the healing process. Not only to those struggling with BPD but to their friends and loved ones as well.
However, it needs to be understood that the type of self-awareness and brutal honesty involved in healing for someone who is so emotionally fragile, can add fuel to the flames of an already raging fire inside due to their toxic shame.
As in, it will most likely get worse before it gets better.
Toxic Shame: I Hate Who I Am
I lived much of my life believing I was a failure, a loser, a screw-up, unwanted, unlovable, and “crazy”. I was a cutter, became an alcoholic and addict, and used sex, prescription drugs, masturbation, gambling, porn, binge eating, etc. to cope. I moved countless times and couldn’t hold down a job or relationship. When alone, I felt an emptiness and loneliness so extreme, that I just wanted to die.
I’d never heard about the likes of trauma, abandonment, neglect, or toxic shame until I began coaching with @beatanxiety.me at age 45.
I didn’t realize until then my core issues were not rooted in the physical/sexual abuse or rape, but in fact lay in the neglect, abandonment, and emotional abuse which began in childhood.
As I learned more about where the core of BPD stemmed from (trauma), the shame inside deepened. I began to get triggered through words such as victim mentality, codependency, neediness, drama, and attention-seeking.
Those triggers would send me spiraling down into recurrent and severe bouts of isolation, unhealthy coping, and depression. Over time, the guilt, regret, and healthy shame for making a mistake turned into the belief that I was, in fact, a mistake.
That’s toxic shame – Looking in the mirror and hating, with every fiber of your being, what you see in that reflection staring back.
As I started to work through the struggles of becoming more self-aware, I was able to slowly acknowledge and open up about my mistakes and the associated shame.
However, the more truthful I became, the more that pain inside became unbearable.
Through each layer of trauma I uncovered, the depression worsened. I no longer was blaming others but was solely blaming myself.
It stung to realize how much I had lied or omitted the truth about things in my past, especially when there was no need to.
It took years to confess to myself I cheated on another more than once (even though it wasn’t physical).
I never thought I had a problem with anger because I did not outwardly rage. I eventually discovered my anger was focused inwards – aimed only at hurting myself through the means of negative self-talk, self-harm, and self-sabotage.
Even though I knew it was indicative of a trauma response, it took a long time to admit I struggled with neediness.
I refused to acknowledge my behaviors/reactions (both good and bad) mimicked those of a 2-year-old, even after I could finally see how often they did.
I believe one of the most difficult and painful parts of healing from BPD is becoming consciously aware of our actions, reactions, and behaviors, then working through the shame we attached to it all along the way.
Though I’ve learned through this process many of the causes associated with those behaviors, toxic shame became the internal firestorm that overshadowed everything else.
Healing is Not Linear
Over the past few years, I’ve been able to begin identifying and sitting with my feelings, instead of staying stuck in the story and attempting to justify it.
Yes, I still struggle with confusion and frustration surrounding my reactions, behaviors, and identity. Yet when I reach that point now, I take a step back and walk myself through what brought those feelings to the surface, to begin with.
Yes, I still find myself craving a drink, smoking pot, reaching for food, popping a pill, etc. when triggered, but now realize that’s when I need to sit with those feelings and not try to escape or suppress them.
Yes, I still struggle with the shame of past behaviors (as well as the present) but can acknowledge that more freely as I continue to work through the process of forgiveness.
Self-compassion and self-care still feel incredibly uncomfortable to me, but I know that’s a path that NEEDS to be explored to learn how to love and accept myself.
I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Healing’s far from linear and is more painful than I ever imagined!
But when I’m able to sit with and validate an unwanted feeling or rationally draw a conclusion, it makes each backstep, pain in the truth, lesson learned, and every single tear shed worth all the effort!
By walking through the fire, instead of continuing to douse it with gasoline (unhealthy coping), those wounds of the past are slowly beginning to heal.
And the scars that remain will no longer be connected to the likes of shame, but instead reflect the strength, determination, perseverance, and beauty that have been a part of who I AM all along.
I just need to remind myself daily that healing’s a journey and is not magically going to happen overnight. And it’s also a process that is not meant to be walked through alone.
My coach saw that hurting little girl inside and believed in me at a time when the only thing I could see through my broken lens was shame. He became the support I didn’t know I needed to help me get back up and guide me on the path of learning how to save myself.
So, if you are struggling, PLEASE reach out for help!
No matter your age, religion, race, career status, or diagnosis, you deserve and are worthy of the effort it takes to finally heal your hurting heart.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1-800-273-8255
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.