Although I don’t like to, I’ll be the first to admit I’m a pessimistic person.
I tend to look at what I don’t have vs. what I do. For example, I’ve never been married, no children, pets, career, house, or money. I assume no man would want me because of my diagnoses and past; no friend would because of my current struggles; no company would suffer because of my inexperience; and even that God would not want me because of my mistakes.
Negativity is my comfort zone.
So what do I do? I isolate. I avoid the fear of hurting others as I have before or infecting them with what I perceive to be my unique blend of toxicity.
My biggest fears are being rejected and abandoned. To put this into context, I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Complex Post Traumatic Disorder (CPTSD), and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Though the bottom line is what I struggle with has nothing to do with a laundry list of “diagnoses” but a litany of unresolved trauma.
Trauma and Loneliness
I grew up in a time I don’t remember. Childhood memories elude me. After 30+ years in and out of therapy, counseling, psychiatrists, and psychologists, I felt more “crazy” than ever. I became a repeated addict, couldn’t hold down a job, and moved constantly. I never realized my childhood was traumatic. I thought it was expected – the bullying, divorce, verbal, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I thought drinking, smoking, and cutting was just part of growing up. I also thought sex was the gateway to love.
I found myself in and out of relationships, never realizing I was looking for that love in every possible wrong way, shape, and form.
I became a chameleon. I’d change my likes and dislikes to match theirs. I had one who detested me wearing certain types of clothing, so I didn’t. I had several who pushed me to do things I didn’t want to – so I got drunk and did them anyway.
I didn’t know while trying to fill that void inside my heart, I was losing myself.
Piece by piece, I gave away or gave up what I loved or was gifted with for them. I strayed from my morals and values, changed my appearance, converted my lifestyle. But most of all, I became lonelier than I had ever thought possible.
I didn’t understand this search for love was also a desperate attempt to climb out of a darkened pit of loneliness.
I had no clue those 30+ years in therapy were for the wrong reasons and had been retraumatizing me in the process.
I’d been molested, repeatedly raped, and attempted to take my own life several times. I thought I just needed to talk about that, they would wave their magic wand, and it would all somehow disappear.
Until I started coaching @beatanxiety.me at age 45, I had no clue my deepest hurts, pain, and real struggles didn’t consist of outward abuse but inner traumas known as abandonment, rejection, neglect, toxic shame, and loneliness.
Aloneness vs. Loneliness
Even when I discovered the ties between loneliness and trauma, I thought it was something new. This “loneliness” thing began after I became single again and moved out independently.
Yet there is a difference between being alone and loneliness:
Alone is a state of mind. Loneliness is a state of being.
I found myself lost in a fairytale land of books and make-believe as a child. I thought it was an escape from feeling alone in a household of nine. I never realized it was an escape from the loneliness.
As a teen, I began cutting, smoking, drinking, and having sex. Again, thinking it was an escape from the bullying and abuse that made me feel so alone. But it was my way of attempting to mask the loneliness.
As an adult, relationships were my diversion. Then one night, stands, gambling, pot, prescription drug abuse, and binge eating became my so-called solitude in between. All of which did nothing but increase those feelings of loneliness.
I can see the truth at 49, free of cutting, pot, sex, boyfriends, and almost one year sober.
I’ve lived alone a lot, yet it never seemed to bother me as much as it does now. Before, I had a full-time job to occupy my days, while bowling and the bar took over my nights. When in a relationship, I had them and their children/families to focus my energy on.
Yet those were just detours from the storm that was still raging within.
I knew nothing about vulnerability or “self” – self-care, self-compassion, or self-forgiveness.
I’d never heard of inner child work. I thought addiction was all about control, and healing was about forgetting.
I saw everything as my fault.
- I failed because I wasn’t smart enough.
- I couldn’t keep a boyfriend because I wasn’t pretty enough.
- I couldn’t take a joke; I was too emotional, clingy, and needy. I was “too much” of everything, which made me feel I wasn’t “enough” of anything.
Once I started to get rid of the addictions, there was nothing to hide behind. Nothing to make me feel alive or completely numb.
The only thing left was what I’d been running from for decades and which scared me to death:
It wasn’t a fear of being alone but of finally facing the trauma and sitting with those feelings of loneliness.
Healing Through Feeling
Walking through this healing process has seen me shedding the toxicity of my past. It has also seen me get out of a toxic relationship, move out of state and on my own, join a church, several groups, get saved, baptized, and make a few friends like none I’ve had before.
Still, loneliness seems more prevalent now than ever.
I feel lonely when I’m around people – out of place, and still feel like I’m “not enough.”
I withdraw and isolate myself more. I continued to try and flee, something inside telling me I didn’t belong.
The reality is, we ALL belong and are ALL good enough!!
But the body keeps the score.
What I mean by that is I know when I’m triggered now by how my body reacts. Slumped shoulders, tense neck, tears springing forth, clenched fists, rocking, fidgeting, the lump in my throat, pain in my side, and automatically searching for an exit sign/addiction to escape.
That’s because triggers are tied to trauma(s).
Healing does not mean getting rid of the triggers but facing the related trauma(s).
This is done through layers, feeling, hard work, and time. It involves self-care, forgiveness, compassion, and finding something/someone more significant than you to lean on and let be your guide.
Healing is about discovering your purpose in pain vs. staying stuck in it. It’s about looking in the mirror – not at what you see on the surface but deep inside your heart.
It’s about waking up to things you wish you didn’t have to and setting out on a self-discovery journey.
Healing is about learning to trust again – not only in others but also in yourself.
While this process may feel lonely, it’s not meant to be walked through on your own.
Remember, healing takes courage.
- Courage to acknowledge and become vulnerable
- Courage to be honest with yourself and those you love
- Courage to “sit with it” instead of running from it
- Courage to venture out of your comfort zone(s)
- Courage to embrace the uncomfortable
And courage to reach out when those feelings of loneliness become too much to bear alone.
Writer, poet, designer, crafter, and mental health advocate. I have encountered struggles throughout life with addiction, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I no longer identify with the above struggles, however, as I refuse to be defined by a disorder, disease or diagnosis. It is through the guidance of an anxiety coach in which I continue the healing of both my mental and physical health, while in the process supporting others along their own path towards recovery.