Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping
I wasn’t formerly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) until my late thirties. However, I used coping mechanisms throughout my childhood. As far back as I can remember, reading was an “escape”. Books transported me to places far away from reality. Then as a teenager, I discovered unhealthy coping mechanisms to take me anywhere but here and now. As the years progressed, my arsenal of escape weapons grew to the point of waging a full-blown war within myself.
Ultimately, each of those methods turned into an addiction. They have included drinking, gambling, cutting, binge eating, overspending, self-medicating, cigarettes, pot-smoking, and promiscuity.
Suicidal thoughts tend to run rampant as well. In total, I’ve attempted to take my own life four separate times. bottle has a higher successful suicide rate (10% or 1 in 10) than any other mental illness. Of those 10, 6-8 will attempt suicide multiple times. Why is this? My experience has seen it as a combination of impulsivity and fear.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Impulsivity and Suicide
I began noticing the impulsivity rise in my latter teen years. I ran away from home, got myself fired from my first job after 6 years, quit another position and moved away on the drop of a dime. My emotions controlled my reactions and those reactions were rarely thought out. I lost money, housing, friendships, relationships, self-respect, and the list goes on. I lived only in the moment, having no idea what the consequences of my actions would be and at that point in time, didn’t really care. Unfortunately, those “moments” also included each time I tried to take my own life.
Every suicide attempt was impulsive and also when I happened to be drunk. It was the combination of loneliness, worthlessness, and fear it would never, ever get better. It wasn’t being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The hopelessness consumed every fiber of my being. My thoughts reiterated over and over there was no other way out. Everyone would be better off with me gone. They wouldn’t have to worry anymore. They could get on with their life. They would be free. I would be free. It’s one of the scariest, darkest places our mind can take us. It’s even scarier when our actions follow in step with this line of thinking.
I haven’t made an attempt on my life in 5 years now or cut in over 4. I went from an everyday alcoholic to rarely having a drink at all. I quit gambling. Slowly, but surely, I’m learning how to deal with the mental and physical issues in a healthier way. Are the urges still there? Oh yeah. At times they seem even stronger than before, but I too am also stronger than I was before.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Addiction
I began cutting as a teen. Alcohol and cigarettes followed the summer after high school graduation. From there on out, I unknowingly traded one addiction for another. I was attempting to cover up my feelings, escape, search for that “something” to quiet the voices in my head and fill the grand canyon sized void in my heart. I became a chameleon, blending into each situation and/or person I was with. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel loved. I was searching for something I couldn’t seem to find.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived with a sense of never being good enough and at the same time being too much. I’ve felt unloved, unwanted, un-everything. I turned to those addictions hoping to fill my wants/needs, never understanding the only thing which could actually make me feel whole was, in fact, myself.
Borderline Personality Disorder: There is Hope
I’m in my mid-forties now and until about a year ago felt life would always be a non-stop cycle of addiction, impulsivity, trauma, and abuse. I was on the verge of yet another suicide attempt when I finally found the resources needed to turn my life around.
There is help out there. But the only one who can take that first step towards recovery is you. I lived decades thinking and feeling I was a freak, too much, not enough, a failure, useless, etc. I’ve lived this past year, with the help of my coach, beginning to see I’m none of those things. I’ve come to realize I allowed the “labels” to control my life and at the same time was giving in to and giving up on myself.
There is hope. Life can change. You can change. It’s simply a decision of fighting not to destroy yourself, but instead fighting to finally save yourself.
By: Debra Brent
Somatic coach (therapist) in Canton, GA, and Worldwide Life Coach dedicated to inspiring and assisting people worldwide through candid conversations about anxiety. Having personally battled general anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD, I understand the daily challenges those grappling with anxiety face. My journey involved searching for the right therapist, medication, and natural supplements and undergoing various tests. It was only after deciding to reclaim my life that I finally overcame anxiety’s hold. I’m passionate about helping others conquer their struggles and discover their life purpose.