The Grieving Process and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Abandonment and BPD
I’ve made four attempts to end my life, used self-harm as a way to cope and survived many losses in the past 46 years, some just barely. I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
BPD is characterized by extreme emotional instability, black and white thinking and an incredible fear of abandonment, to name a few. This abandonment consists not only of relationships/friendships ending, but also the fear of those we hold near and dear to our hearts leaving us by death. When any type of abandonment enters the picture, most will go through a grieving process, though usually on a scale far less than someone struggling with BPD.
As stated in an article by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD on Verywellmind.com, “Bereavement that’s prolonged, overwhelming, or that seriously impairs your daily life is considered complicated bereavement.” She goes on to state those struggling with BPD, theoretically, could hold a much greater risk for this type of bereavement due to the extreme emotions involved with the fear of separation/abandonment.
The Grieving Process
Complicated bereavement is what surrounded the unexpected death of my father. First thing I did was pick up the bottle. Everyday alcoholism ensued, amongst other health issues which seemingly arose and increased almost instantaneously. Certain songs sent me into a tailspin of uncontrollable sobbing for years. I didn’t want to be alive. I let guilt and regret eat away at my insides like a pool of acid. I was angry at him for leaving and angry at myself for things that were/weren’t said and done. I was even drunk during his memorial service, convinced he left because I deserved it. As with so many other things in life, I believed it was all my fault.
During the following years, I attempted to drown out the voices and accusations with alcohol; willing those overwhelming emotions to numb and then “cut” as a release before my insides would explode and eventually, much like a volcanic eruption, destroy everything in its path. I had no idea how to deal, so I used every possible way to escape and not deal with it at all, until now. I recently found and am currently working with a certified anxiety coach, who has literally changed my life in ways I never thought possible.
Breakups
Low and behold, however, my current relationship is also in the process of ending. Even though I’m aware, it still leaves the pit of my stomach in knots. Fear has taken hold alongside the tears and those inevitable feelings of worthlessness, being unlovable, unwanted and failing once again. A breakup and/or loss of friendship can ultimately feel like our entire world has shattered in one fell swoop and is drowning us in a riptide of emotions. It’s during such an upheaval when implementing tools, such as mindfulness, can aid in calming those stormy seas.
Help and Healing
BPD can be, in and of itself, incredibly debilitating and lonely. Statistics state up to 10% of those struggling with BPD successfully die by suicide and up to 80% attempt multiple times. Why? Because we feel “bullied”, so to speak, by those uneducated and/or disbelieving of the utter chaos we live through on a daily basis. We’re already beating ourselves up for the what we consider constant “wrongs” in our life, for feeling too clingy/needy, or as in my case, never being “good enough”. We seek acceptance, validation, support and love, not ridicule or verbal abuse which can easily exacerbate our already fragile emotional state.
The good news is BPD can be overcome! Recovery is possible with acknowledgment and one’s desire to heal, guidance by a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, coach, etc. (as well as outside support), DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), many other tools to assist in the “retraining” of our mind and consistent, hard work.
We just ask for you to please try and realize any type of grief is a process and for those struggling with BPD it can become extremely amplified and overwhelming. If you’re unsure of how to help a friend or loved one, please just ask. We’re waiting with open arms for that one person to reach out and simply say, “Are you okay?”.
By Debra Brent
Somatic coach (therapist) in Canton, GA, and Worldwide Life Coach dedicated to inspiring and assisting people worldwide through candid conversations about anxiety. Having personally battled general anxiety, panic disorder, and OCD, I understand the daily challenges those grappling with anxiety face. My journey involved searching for the right therapist, medication, and natural supplements and undergoing various tests. It was only after deciding to reclaim my life that I finally overcame anxiety’s hold. I’m passionate about helping others conquer their struggles and discover their life purpose.