The Grieving Process and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Abandonment and BPD
I’ve made four attempts to end my life, used self-harm as a way to cope and survived many losses in the past 46 years, some just barely. I also struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
BPD is characterized by extreme emotional instability, black and white thinking and an incredible fear of abandonment, to name a few. This abandonment consists not only of relationships/friendships ending, but also the fear of those we hold near and dear to our hearts leaving us by death. When any type of abandonment enters the picture, most will go through a grieving process, though usually on a scale far less than someone struggling with BPD.
As stated in an article by Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD on Verywellmind.com, “Bereavement that’s prolonged, overwhelming, or that seriously impairs your daily life is considered complicated bereavement.” She goes on to state those struggling with BPD, theoretically, could hold a much greater risk for this type of bereavement due to the extreme emotions involved with the fear of separation/abandonment.
The Grieving Process
Complicated bereavement is what surrounded the unexpected death of my father. First thing I did was pick up the bottle. Everyday alcoholism ensued, amongst other health issues which seemingly arose and increased almost instantaneously. Certain songs sent me into a tailspin of uncontrollable sobbing for years. I didn’t want to be alive. I let guilt and regret eat away at my insides like a pool of acid. I was angry at him for leaving and angry at myself for things that were/weren’t said and done. I was even drunk during his memorial service, convinced he left because I deserved it. As with so many other things in life, I believed it was all my fault.
During the following years, I attempted to drown out the voices and accusations with alcohol; willing those overwhelming emotions to numb and then “cut” as a release before my insides would explode and eventually, much like a volcanic eruption, destroy everything in its path. I had no idea how to deal, so I used every possible way to escape and not deal with it at all, until now. I recently found and am currently working with a certified anxiety coach, who has literally changed my life in ways I never thought possible.
Breakups
Low and behold, however, my current relationship is also in the process of ending. Even though I’m aware, it still leaves the pit of my stomach in knots. Fear has taken hold alongside the tears and those inevitable feelings of worthlessness, being unlovable, unwanted and failing once again. A breakup and/or loss of friendship can ultimately feel like our entire world has shattered in one fell swoop and is drowning us in a riptide of emotions. It’s during such an upheaval when implementing tools, such as mindfulness, can aid in calming those stormy seas.
Help and Healing
BPD can be, in and of itself, incredibly debilitating and lonely. Statistics state up to 10% of those struggling with BPD successfully die by suicide and up to 80% attempt multiple times. Why? Because we feel “bullied”, so to speak, by those uneducated and/or disbelieving of the utter chaos we live through on a daily basis. We’re already beating ourselves up for the what we consider constant “wrongs” in our life, for feeling too clingy/needy, or as in my case, never being “good enough”. We seek acceptance, validation, support and love, not ridicule or verbal abuse which can easily exacerbate our already fragile emotional state.
The good news is BPD can be overcome! Recovery is possible with acknowledgment and one’s desire to heal, guidance by a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, coach, etc. (as well as outside support), DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy), many other tools to assist in the “retraining” of our mind and consistent, hard work.
We just ask for you to please try and realize any type of grief is a process and for those struggling with BPD it can become extremely amplified and overwhelming. If you’re unsure of how to help a friend or loved one, please just ask. We’re waiting with open arms for that one person to reach out and simply say, “Are you okay?”.
By Debra Brent
A note on recovery: Recovery from BPD looks different for different people and takes time; this post does not promise a particular outcome. If grief, self-harm urges, or suicidal thoughts are present, please seek professional help promptly, and in the United States contact or text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or emergency help in your country. Coaching is not therapy and does not diagnose or treat mental-health conditions.
I found this very interesting as after years of my partner being told he only had depression he’s been diagnosed with bod, however, although his emotions are all over the place he spends most of his time angry and blaming everyone else for every trouble and hiccup. I walk on egg shells from the moment I wake up as to what mood he’ll be in and how he’s going to belittle me scream at me and name call. The drs gave him the largest dose of an SSRI he can take but it doesn’t help. I fill in every form, go to all his appointments, talk to all the teachers for our 8 children (17,16,15,14,13,10,3,1), do the school runs clean up endlessly and have to be the barer of bad news for every new rule and weird sanction he places on the kids. Those kids that can spend as little time as they can in the house. Every minute of my day is consumed by cleaning form filling his moods and the endless complaints he has me write as he’s convinced all the drs and specialists are wrong and that he has schizophrenia. I’m worn down and at the end of my …. well everything… I don’t know what more I can do for him but still he tells me I’m a terrible parent terrible partner and no support to him.
Hi Liz,
I know it’s been a while since you made this post but I have BPD myself and just lost my mum. She was trapped in a relationship with a man who had a clear personality disorder but who never tried to help her, himself or the 5 kids they had together(15(twins), 10, 8(twins)) I myself am 21 and have a different father, thank god. She did everything for him and for everyone else of course, she was an extraordinary mum and meant the world to all of us, I can’t possibly imagine how she managed it all. My mum ended up coping with the relationship with alcohol over the course of the years, and eventually this alcoholic coping led to multiple organ failures and need for transplants she would never possibly be well enough to have. Shortly before passing away, she had the courage to end the relationship while it was well into the worst of it, but she still tried everything to help him even when he moved out. She didn’t receive anything but harassment and abuse for her attempts to help but she continued trying for the children as she always has. Upon her passing it came clear that the father of the children had schemed with social work in her bad health so that not only would he take all 5 of their children, including one with special needs that he cares not to watch over but he would move into the hope she worked so hard to remove him from and build up. Unfortunately my mum hadn’t written a will, being only 39 years old, and this meant that there was nothing we could do but offer these kids a safe space out of the house when his tyranny eases enough to let me see them. The reason I say all this is because I watched an unhealthy relationship grow between someone with a personality disorder and someone who was a natural mother, who felt the need to care for everyone at once. I am in a healthy relationship myself with someone who also has BPD, so both he and myself suffer from it, yet he never has and never will hurt me in this way because of our mutual understanding and acceptance of the condition. I say all this to you because I wouldn’t want my mums case repeating itself, it’s not fair that not everyone can be helped, the father of mums kids certainly cannot, being older and not making any of the effort himself, he wants to be able to wallow in pity and anger as an excuse to be the lesser father he’s unfortunately always been. You cannot maintain being the problem solver for someone like this forever, not when there’s children to look out for. Although it’s clearly in your nature to be caring and helpful, there may be others better deserving of your efforts. All I can speak from is my experience, and that after I broke the news to my younger siblings of her passing, their first words were prayers they wouldn’t be left with their father. I’ve never felt so powerless, and having to explain to them that we really were powerless was heart wrenching. I say all this because nobody likes to talk about the worst case in these scenarios, but I experienced it. I just urge you to consider and discuss with your closest family or friends, it may be that as saddening as it is, your best, healthiest and safest option is to separate from your partner.
It’s important to understand that even if a mental illness explains a persons actions it doesn’t excuse them and it doesn’t make treating people the way he does okay either. Speaking from the experience of having BPD, a partner with it, my father having it and my ex partner and her mother too, it may be time to reevaluate your own relationship. It is not standard with personality disorders that sufferers are bad people, I have met both and learned the difference the hard way. I spent a long time allowing mental illness to make mistreatment okay and so did my mum, she purely viewed his abuse as a cry for help. So please, think about what’s best for yourself, if my mum had been able to she may have had the chance for recovery.
I dont find that anything can help the loss of a loved one, I take quick acting antianxiety drugs twice an week it is the only way I can cope when my father died @ 53 & I was only 18, it doesnt matter if u go to counselling it doesnt do anything & if antianxiety drugs help so what
We have to find out what works for us.