The 5 lies I Tell Myself
The brain is funny. At least mine feels funny. It’s pretty good at spinning old lies into threads of “new” truth. The punchline takes on some variant of I’m not good enough. Or as medical professionals put it: intense feelings of emptiness; irrational fear of abandonment; the inability of being alone; mood swings; and general anxiety. However you label it, sometimes, I feel small and insignificant. This is most evident in how I struggle to set boundaries. I’m a chronic people-pleaser who has historically relied on external validation to define her self-worth.
I recently decided to combat my brain’s emotionally charged highlight reel. While I may feel small and insignificant, my brain is quite loud. My mind–the antithesis of small. So, I decided to do something about it. I stepped away from talking about how I was feeling and started practicing feeling how I was feeling. There is a difference.
I started to notice that when it comes to untangling our own deceptions, many of us have an arsenal of go-to behavioral patterns we rely on to feel better. I started to make a list of these little lies I tell myself (and others) to get out of whatever I want to get out of. While this is just the tip of the iceberg, here are five rinse/repeats my brain uses to avoid feeling uncomfortable:
1. “I don’t like drama.”
This lie is the cornerstone of people who love drama. It’s also the cornerstone of shame; the flagship of the people-pleaser. (I fall into this category.) My brain goes: confrontation is conflict. Conflict is bad. Conflict is drama. I hate drama. Avoid confrontation. A myriad of moments can be perceived as “dramatic” when you grow up learning how to not rock the boat. To just stay quiet. It’s better to take the proverbial hit and preserve the peace. It’s hard for me to say things like:
- My feelings are hurt.
- I forgot to.
- I made a mistake.
- I’d like to return this item.
- This isn’t what I ordered.
- Was that a “yes” or a “no”?
- I need to ask you a favor.
- I don’t want to go.
- I can’t go.
- I’d like to submit a request to use some vacation time.
Want to send me to my early grave? Text me: we need to talk.
2. “Someone else has already written this.”
Or “x” person is doing this. Whatever form “someone else has already written this” shifts into, it’s always a derivative of: I’m not good enough. My ideas aren’t good enough. I actually have severe anxiety typing this blog post. I know it’s fear-based. I don’t want anyone to tell me that what I’ve written sucks. I don’t want someone to think that this is the best I can do. I want a pat on the back. I need to be told, “good job”. I need that external validation as I lack the confidence to pull that thumbs up from within.
Instead of I am capable and did the best I could, my brain stalls at it’s not perfect. I don’t love it. Bail. My laptop is a graveyard of ideas that I let die because it’s better for them to die unread than for them to die via internet trolls.
3. “I’ll do it in the morning.”
If you want to master the art of self-abandonment, start here.
As a non-morning person, I’ve never done “it” in the morning. I’m talking about getting up early to do something I need to do. This is why this lie is dangerous.
Whatever I’m putting off until tomorrow isn’t that big of a deal. It’s something remedial, like putting gas into my car. Or showering before work. Or packing for a trip. It’s not like I’m putting off life-changing, sizable things that have to happen now. They can wait until tomorrow.
But as someone who has never gotten up early and put gas into her car, I’m setting myself up for failure every time I do this. Self-sabotage. Every time I lie to myself, every time I put these remedial tasks on the back-burner, every time my morning starts off rushed and chaotic, I’m really telling myself that I can’t trust myself. That I don’t love myself. I subconsciously confirm that I’m not in control. That my well-being isn’t a priority. That I am messy. That I am unorganized. It’s no wonder anybody likes me.
4. “Yes, no problem!”
Cool. But is it a problem? Did you want to say “no”? Did you have prior commitments? Can you actually complete the task you committed to without sacrificing your own sanity? Are you neglecting yourself by going out of your way for someone else?
For me, avoidance often begins with a “yes”. It’s a way for me to cope by not facing something I’m scared of. I’m scared of disappointing people. I don’t like saying “no”. Unfortunately, this type of avoidance is a temporary solution that causes additional stress/discomfort/resentment down the line. I abandon myself to avoid any possibility that I might disappoint someone else.
5. “It’s fine.”
It’s usually never fine. But I’ll pretend that it’s fine. Until I can’t pretend that it’s fine. And then it’s like lightning in a bottle. All of those emotions build up, spew out, and I napalm the whole bridge.
“It’s fine” was created for those who struggle to set boundaries. Don’t like being vulnerable? Scared he’s going to leave? Don’t want to give yourself permission to feel? Say, “it’s fine”.
Healing is complicated and difficult. So is normalizing the struggles that accompany self-growth. We all lie, and that’s okay. Let’s just own it. Maybe make your own list? Set a little time to do a self-check-up. See what lies your mind wants to subtly masquerade as truth?
Hi, I’m Victoria. A thirty-something from Tennessee. I’m a creative who enjoys experiential writing. I’m fascinated by the mind—especially in areas of trauma, anxiety, identity, and relationships with self and others.